Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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