She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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