I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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