I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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