I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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