his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
