It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
