I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
