it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
