Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
