that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
