I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
