So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
