3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
