So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Couch. On fire.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
