Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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