I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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