No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize