Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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