If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
