Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
