Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
