At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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