Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
