wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
My Higher Power is John Stamos
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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