You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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