I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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