Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
