i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
