I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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