....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
zippers are such a cool invention
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
