My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
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