I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
