i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can you bring me the toilet please
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
