if i can run in heels then i can drive
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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