Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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