Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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