We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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