Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
