I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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