i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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