Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Shame - the story of my life.
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