Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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