I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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