whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
