I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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