good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You ate ashes out of my bong
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