Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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