I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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