My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize