So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
