I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
