Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
