bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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