on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
