I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
