we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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