It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
